I Quit.
Ya'll, I was hours into scrubbing walls, baseboards & anything else that crossed my path before I got around to making this protein shake. Hunger noises had long since passed and I was left with shaky hands. In fact, I didn't even have the desire to grab a glass to go with this straw. It just be one more thing to wash.
This October I am headed to a Sword Girls Conference and one of the speakers is Annie F. Downs. I kinda wanted to "get to know Annie" before the conference, so her book is in my Amazon cart and I thought I'd check out her podcast. As I furiously tried to rid my house of dirt I enjoyed one of her episodes that included an interview with Melissa Radke. Now admittedly, I am an old school kinda of girl. I prefer books to Kindles, my day-planner to the iPhone and after years in radio ministry, I don't even hear the radio. So I really have to pay attention to something auditory. They talked about several topics that had me laughing hysterically, but within the matter of seconds had me on my knees in tears all the while praising the Lord. I connected to what they were saying on such an emotional & spiritual level that it blew me away.
Melissa was sharing her journey of infertility & the adoption of their two boys. She said that she reached the point of wanting to give up on walking with Jesus.
I've said that.
I've quit.
As I moved on with my dirty walls, I thought of the few times that I have shared this moment with others. Sometimes people nod in agreement. Others don't get it at all. But as I kept working, I couldn't help but think that there are many who have stood at this moment and are too afraid to voice the truest feeling of their heart.
They want to give up on their marriage. Jesus, you're not healing us.
Is this job worth it? God, where are you?
I have nothing left for this child. Lord, why won't you answer my prayers?
I'm exhausted in this ministry. Why won't your people change?
Will the bills ever get paid? I thought you provided all my needs?
Will they ever come to Jesus? Jesus, why won't you soften their hearts?
Add your own question & moment of despair. I did. And as I screamed into the pillow, I gave life to the truth buried in my heart. The truth that I couldn't run from. The truth that Annie & Melissa gave voice to over the air waves...
"You're all I've ever known."
Gravity is real. It holds my feet to the earth. It promises that if I throw a ball in the air, it's going to hit me in the head on the way down. I can not escape it.
I can't walk away from Jesus. I mean, I could choose to. But I know, that I know, that I know, that He is God. Someday I will stand before His throne and the "ball" will hit me in the head. He is creator. He is the Way, the Truth & the Life. I do not know how to live without Him. He truly is all I have ever known. I can not escape Him.
Perhaps, you haven't walked with Jesus all your life. Maybe even now, you have not surrendered to Him. But your soul was created in His image and for His purpose. Your soul knows. You can not escape Him.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me.
Psalm 139:1-10
In our weakest and darkest moments He is there. Not to take away the trial or end the pain in an instant, but rather to walk through it with you. To strengthen you, to carry you if need be. When do you come out on the other side, it may not look like you imagined, but it will be good. Do not give up my friend. Do not let go of your faith. Hold even tighter to Jesus. Let Him be all you've ever known.
If you'd like to hear all of Annie & Melissa's podcast (and I strongly encourage you to!!) click here & be encouraged.
